Shadow Creek and Others...

[Danny D]

Gentlemen...

I believe I owe you all a sincere apology. I made some commitments a while back to do Shadow Creek, and to release a "Champ" version of Coeur d'Alene. I also intended eventually to release the updated version of The National GC of Kansas City with new StrackaLine green contours. I have especially let down my friends Adelade and pmgolf. They both put so much hard work into updating and rebuilding parts of CDL and setting the pins for me on CDL and TNGC of KC.

It's hard to explain how disappointed I am at myself for allowing this to happen. Turns out I'm not near as strong as I thought I was. All I have to offer is excuses, and nobody wants to hear an old man talk about his health all the time. But it has gone much deeper than just my health issues, now things are different. MUCH different. I just want everyone to please consider my position, and forgive me for being lax on getting the courses released. I'll try to explain.

In June of this year, my wife of 46 years, was taken away in an ambulance to the local hospital. For the past 3 years her rheumatoid has gotten so bad that she could no longer walk. She needs both knees and both hips replaced. For the past 3 years she has been bedridden, and I've had to wait on her for all of her needs. The best she could do was to get on and off the bed to use a porta-potty. In my health condition, following cancer and chemo, I am still in a weak state, poor immune system, high blood pressure, have COPD and on oxygen, and I'm using an electric wheelchair to get around in the house.

I have not seen my wife since she was taken away in June, other than on cell phone facetime chats. She is so weak she can't even sit up without help. She will spend the rest of her life in a nursing home. My heart aches for her. She wants to come back home to me and her 2 "babies", our cats, Misty and Bandit, and she never will. I sometimes put them on facetime so she can see them and talk to them. Breaks my heart. :(

I've been living alone since June, with the cats (thank God for their company) and have been in a state of depression. I can't concentrate or focus. I have tried to carry on with the APCD work, but if it's doing tasks that require planning and thinking, my mind starts wandering and I lose interest and shut down the APCD. Then I would dread going back to that task, so I would try to do other things that didn't require much deep thinking.

Adelade and Pete did a lot of planning and work in helping to complete the Champ version of CDL, and a few months ago we all passed it around and looked it over to see if we were all ready to release it. It eventually made its way back to me and that's where it got stuck. I kept wanting to do up the paperwork that was needed to release it, and every time I thought about it, my brain would just shut it down and try to find something to do that I didn't have to think about. Same thing with TNGC of KC. Pete was kind enough to set the pins on the updated greens and he sent it back, and it's in the same pile with CDL Champ. Both are ready to go, if I can only turn my attention to them and do what needs to be done to release them.

I have kept working on Shadow Creek, but it's been taking forever because I can only seem to devote a couple of hours a day to the computer. The rest of the time I just want to watch TV or nap. At this time Shadow Creek is complete up to the point where it's almost time to start planting. Which is another thing I am dreading to do. My mind is just not where it needs to be, and I don't know for sure if it ever will be. I want to finish it. I have never been a quitter, and I certainly don't want to start now.

If you're interested in why I'm so depressed and what has been weighing so heavily on my mind and affecting my concentration, you will have to download the attached document. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to read the rest of this. It's just the ranting and ravings of an old man that has been caught up in some tough times, and I feel like I should at least have a chance to explain what's got me in such a negative mental state. I see you guys as friends, and have nothing to hide. Even though I'm sharing personal information about myself, just think of it as friends talking to each other while playing a round of golf.

Thanks for hopefully understanding, and I really do eventually want to finish all of my tasks while I'm still capable. All I can say is I plan on it, if I can just get back to a normal state of mind.

Best wishes to all,

Dan

READ THIS IF YOU'VE ACTUALLY MADE IT THIS FAR AND ARE STILL INTERESTED.

dannyd.doc

(29 KiB) Downloaded 202 times

[Adelade]

Reading this by my morningtime, gotta run off to work so dont have time to read the document now (will when I get home) nor time to give a proper reply but let me just say quickly that I dont feel let down at all Dan, please dont go around feeling like that! Im glad you're sharing, sometimes just sharing can make everything just a little easier. Im so grateful for the existence of your courses, for having had the chance to work on the tournament version of CDL and that you find time and energy here and there to post on the forums and working on Shadow Creek which Im looking forward to a lot. Not having seen your wife since June sounds absolutely brutal especially on top of everything else, hope you are able to cast aside the feeling of disappointment in yourself because that is just not fair to yourself!

[Duck Hook]

I will keep this short as I would only butcher a generous, considered reply.

You don't owe us anything Danny, least of all an apology for not being able to complete your APCD projects under the circumstances you described. You have already given us so much it is we that should be apologising.

We love you mate. Take care and I hope you are soon reunited face to face with your beautiful wife.


T

[sagevanni]

I could not have said it better Todd.

I'll second that thought................

Sage.......We love you Danny

[pmgolf]

Thanks for worrying about others, Dan, but it's more important to me for you to keep your spirits up through difficult times! One or more of our APCD friends will take care of any course work that you aren't able to get done. I'm sure that we all care more about you and your struggles in dealing with life than you getting it done yourself. Bad things happen to all of us, but you are among friends here.

Pete

[Kunkleman]

Let me just repeat what Duck Hook has said so well.
Danny, you have done a great job of handling all those unfortunate problems. Don't ever think that you haven't done enough for us linksters. Best wishes for a more comfortable future. For you and the love of your life.

[jwgriffingca]

Dan, I'm so sorry for your situation with you and your wife. My heart breaks reading how much you miss her and I pray that you will be able to move her closer to you, and that the emotional and financial burdens will be eased. Our health care and insurance systems seem to be so broken. I pray for your physical and mental health, that you can find some light amid the darkness. You are so focused on your wife, understandably so, but please don't be afraid to reach out for help for yourself, too.

John

[EJ55]

Dan, I'm so sorry for your situation with you and your wife. My heart breaks reading how much you miss her and I pray that you will be able to move her closer to you, and that the emotional and financial burdens will be eased. Our health care and insurance systems seem to be so broken. I pray for your physical and mental health, that you can find some light amid the darkness. You are so focused on your wife, understandably so, but please don't be afraid to reach out for help for yourself, too.

John

I'll echo John's thoughts and others that responded earlier as well. Take care Dan, real life is always should take priority. I hope and pray better times are ahead for you!

[Danny D]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. It means a lot at this time. I've always considered myself a man of my word, but I feel like I'm letting myself down, but more importantly, I feel like I'm letting everyone else down. Some of you have asked privately how the courses were coming along, but I couldn't go into all the detail as to why I'm at a standstill. Well, maybe not a standstill, but rather a slowdown. I just thought the easiest thing to do is to let everyone know the details. That way there would be no wondering about how it was coming along, and those of you that were interested could all hear how my progress has been. It's been slow for sure. I hope to get back to it soon.

In the meantime we're still waiting for the nursing home review board to finish reviewing her information so we know if she will be accepted there. Thanks again to each and every one of you for the nice words. You're a great bunch and I love you all.

Best wishes,

Dan

[OllieW]

Real life and your (and your wife's) health, mental and physical, are far more important than making some pixels look pretty. Take care of yourself and thank you for everything you've already given us. Coeur d'Alene is bloody great as is.