A couple of blonds on vacation...

[Danny D]

The neighbor looks over the fence and sees Little Johnny digging a hole in the back yard. "What are you doing, Johnny?" "I'm burying my dead goldfish" he replies. "I'm really sorry to hear that, but that's a big hole just for a goldfish", she says. "That's because the goldfish is inside your cat", he replies.

LOL!
So the other day a cop banged on my door and said that my dog has been chasing a neighbor on a bicycle. I told him that was ridiculous. My dog doesn't even own a bicycle.

[FOOOOORE!]

Little Johnny says to his teacher: "Miss, would you punish me for something I didn't do?" "Of course not!" she says, "That wouldn't be fair". "Well that's good" he says, "because I didn't do my homework."

[FOOOOORE!]

Roy Rogers bought a fancy new pair of cowboy boots, then went out on his horse and spent the night sleeping outdoors. When he woke up in the morning, his new boots were gone, and he noticed mountain lion tracks leading away from his sleeping bag. When he got back, he told everyone what had happened, and one cowboy decided to go look for the mountain lion, and maybe get the boots back. He was gone a whole day, but in the evening he came back with a dead mountain lion across his saddle, and just a piece of one boot. He says:

"Pardon me, Roy. Is this the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

[FOOOOORE!]

Mom is walking past Johnny's bedroom and hears him doing his homework: "1 plus 1, that sonofab---h is 2. 2 plus 2, that sonofab---h is 4. 2 plus 3, that sonofab---h is 5. She was shocked to hear this, and immediately phoned the teacher. "What have you been teaching these kids??" she demanded, and then told the teacher what she'd heard. "Ohhh" said the teacher, laughing. "We were doing addition today, and I taught them to say "1 plus 1, the sum of which is 2".

[FOOOOORE!]

“I love you,” I said.

"Is that you talking,” my wife asked, “Or the beer?”

“It’s me talking to my beer," I said.

[FOOOOORE!]

I got upset over my wife's cosmetics bills. She's upset over my alcohol purchases. She told me the cosmetics are for her to look better for me. I told her that's what the alcohol is for....